2010 So Close, Yet So Far Away

Politicians or Super-Politicians?*
By: Philip Shaw

How glorious American leaders are in their resplendent regality! They are infinite bastions of wisdom, glorious models of morality, and perfectly enlightened beings. We, as unwashed and ignorant masses can never truly fathom the true depth and breadth of their superior cunning. They are, in every respect true paragons of utterly blameless virtue. Why, our leaders are less like men and women and more like lords- nay, gods! Jupiter himself would be envious of Congress’ seemingly limitless inherent powers. With their fleet of jets ready to whisk them away wherever they are needed, how like Mercury they seem! We, as ignorant and unwashed masses are surely like mere motes of dust lying on the earth far beneath their heavenly splendiferous selves. Surely they are our betters.

Our leaders are so bafflingly brilliant they don’t even have to read (or even write) the legislation they enact and when they do, you know that they can speed read it. If you were to add the whole of our legislature’s collective IQ’s together, surely you would end up with a number far in excess of the nation’s debt in 2009.

Americans (and even many who reside here and are not even citizens) are treated to the finest public education money can buy. Our prudent leaders spare no expense! Consequently our students are so achingly brilliant that when the ones who chose to graduate do so, many don’t even need to be able to read to gain their diplomas. That is smart.

Thanks to the thriftiness of our government, no tax is ever deemed too high. When we die, our very estates can be taxed and we don’t even mind. It is an honor to give to a government that has given so much to us. All they want is more money and thanks to the magic of stimuli, everybody has gainful employment and money to spare.

Fortunately for us all, scandal is foreign to our betters. Such is the virtue of those in leadership that it can be said that American politicians cannot be bought for any price! An American politician is as incapable of cheating on the Americans he serves as he would be of cheating on his spouse. Loyalty, integrity, honor, these are the words which ruminate throughout our sagacious leaders minds daily, hourly, every minute. America is definitely richer for their scrupulous conduct.

Our leaders are respected the world over. Through their divine-like utterances, nations tremble. Words are carefully crafted to put nerve-rending fear into the hearts of tyrants and despots around the globe. An American President has but to whisper the word, “sanctions” to terrify the opponents of liberty. If that doesn’t scare them, “U.N. Resolution number 4,075.003-Q” is certain to chill the very marrow of their souls. Sovereignty, after all, is surely an overrated notion.

American leaders have attained mastery over the very climate. Every time the world is in peril from Global Cooling, American Politicians use their fiery rhetoric to heat the earth. When the world temperature begins to grow too warm they then declare a recess and the earth maintains its delicate climatological balance. With persistent Environmental Taxation Legislation, our leaders are even making the air more palatable. Sooner rather than later we can have every reason to believe the air will smell like everything was just sprayed with Febreze.

With plans to nationalize healthcare, our government can finally protect us all from sickness. The rest of the world may fear epidemics but we can rest easy knowing that the Doctors within our government that lead us all can guard us all from viruses, allergens, and even rogue bacteria. If the tremendous success of public education is any indication, then public health can certainly help us all to live in states of perfect health. Our beneficent leaders can GRANT us longer and stronger lives. They will be bound by law to be pennywise while at the same time being bound by honor to spare no expense to save lives. That will be so efficient. Thank [OMITTED BY RELIGION TSAR] we have such great men and women leading us forward to our brave new world.

The collective renaissance that forms our American body politic is endlessly working to make the world better, not only for us but also for our children. All we have to sacrifice is our cherished freedoms.

*(May God always bless the men and women serving in the U.S. Military! They are real-life super-heroes tirelessly protecting truth, dispensing justice, and preserving the American way!)

2 Comments

Comment by Cheryl Ebersohl on July 5, 2009 at 9:02pm: Ver;y funny, but very true. I guess if people don't know what a constitutionally guarded freedom is, then they don't miss it as it is snatched away. The brilliant light from the obamagod in the White House blinds everyone.

Comment by Mary Selby on July 7, 2009 at 6:13pm: If only we could rid the Congress of the rogue bacteria within! Where is the super flu shot for that?
Great post! I will come back frequently!